I choose to exist but I wish I was dead.

Honestly, sometimes I wish I was dead, better yet, I wish I hadn’t had existed in the first place. If only there was a way to dismantle the true nature of reality, and be enlightened with certainty of what might be the absolute truth of my existence: A solipsistic reality; to commit myself to suicide seems to be the best deed. But I don’t know, and that’s a problem. On the contrary, what if empirical evidence is the truth of the ultimate reality?  – I guess I am a metaphysical agnostic.

When I die I don’t want any physical evidence to be found, still less procured. Of course there are ways to avoid such dilemma by utilizing a somewhat creative implementation to the action, but if the final choice of my determination falls in the views of a scientific reality then I rather maintain a metaphysical agnostic perspective and continue to put up with life’s miseries.

Due of this uncertainty, I choose to exist and the reason why I wish I was dead may look like a contradiction, which explanation I don’t have. A friend named Nate killed himself recently – by jumping off the Bay Bridge, to address one’s curiosity – and it reinforces my level of skepticism within me, a skepticism that places uncertainty in my thinking. Such uncertainty put me in an agnostic view of reality. Soon I will attend an open casket funeral of the aforementioned friend which claim to amount to “evidence” of what it means not to exist or to support the thought that reality is independent of one another. If I follow his path, will everything that “I” sense be the same? I wish I knew the answer to this unknowable question, any given answer or to be more precise, any given interpretation of this philosophical problem will never be known.

Am I the only one who exist? If so, what does it mean to be me and to exist? well, I suppose that if the “I” which means me is the only thing that “exist” then my sense of existence must have an underlying reality. And if I happen to be the only one to exist, do I have a body? is the body just another type of entity like another person that I label as some sort of imagination because it doesn’t exist independently? if I am the only one who exists and everything I perceive is just an interpretation of what I as the self sense to be reality; in a nutshell solipsism. I assume that it doesn’t exist independent from whatever it is that I sense as my own reality.